The Screening Jock

We're not the only ones who hate you, Norv

2007-09-17T10:42:00.001-07:00

These gentlemen do as well. And they're much funnier than us.

Hey Norv, you f&ing suck!

2007-09-17T10:21:00.000-07:00

Last night, the New England Patriots throttled the San Diego Chargers, 38-14. It was one of the worst displays of coaching we've ever seen. The Chargers were beaten from the time the clock started? Why? Their coach is Norv Turner. The Patriots came out in a spread offense. The Chargers stayed in their base defense. The result? Tom Brady completes six out of seven passes and the Pats move down the field at will. Didn't see that coming.

Randy Moss? We know how to defend him. Give him a large cushion and no safety spy. That way he can work the underneath routes at will and when he does decide he'll go deep the over the top help will be late. Brilliant. Honestly, we didn't think the Chargers were going to win last night's game. But they had the talent to make it close. Very close. What happened was a shameful display of coaching. And why didn't they bring in Michael Turner earlier? It was obvious LT was having no success running between the tackles. Why not give them several doses of Turner steamroll, then a quick shot of Tomlinson corner speed? That makes too much sense, we suppose.

Of course, none of the "experts" are mentioning any of this. The Pats simply just must be unstoppable.

Len P says: "Don't make the Pats angry, they'll f*&k you in the ass!"

Peter King says: "Just let me take off my Brady jersey, I'll be right with you."

Michael Silver says: "Let's do a shot of Patron for Bill Belichick, he's a faultless genius."

There's more stuff out there if you feel like seeking it out and reading it, but we don't recommend it. The Week in Review still to come.

Bob Sanders will destroy all comers...

2007-09-17T09:58:00.000-07:00

Lots to like - and lots to dislike - about the Colts peformance yesterday against the formerly lowly Tennessee Titans. It was definitely not a textbook display on either side of the ball, but the point is the Colts held on and won. Last year, we're not sure the Colts pull that game out. For those with short memories, that's the Colts first road win against and AFC South opponent since the 2005 season. Yeah, yesterday's win was big. Here are 10 things we took from it:

1.)Bob Sanders just may win Defensive Player of the Year.
- Surely, Jeff Fischer knew the Colts were going to employ Sanders as a fourth linebacker to stop a solid Titans ground game - especially after they rang up 280+ yards on a normally stingy Jacksonville run "D". If he did, he was powerless to stop Sanders. 11 tackles, three QB pressures and - get this - 2.5 sacks. No one will ever replace Peyton as our favorite Colt, but Sanders gains on him every game he suits up for.

2.)The Colts red zone offense shat the bed.
- Six trips DEEP into Titans territory, and the Colts only turned it into 22 points. They were several opportunities for the Colts offense to break this game open - and they never took advantage. We'll chock it up to early-season kinks, but we're not happy.

3.)The Colts NEED Rob Morris and Freddy Keiaho.
- Playing without two starting linebackers is never easy, but when you're playing on the road against a team known for running it, running it and running it, you're setting yourself up for a fall. But the Colts defense - namely Sanders - made up for the two weak links (Hagler and Boiman)who had trouble all game following the flow of the Titans delayed draw. We support Dungy for holding them out; don't call us unsympathetic for wanting them back in uniform by week four.

4.)Kelvin Hayden can't fall for double moves like that.
- He must see those every day in practice. He has to. Marvin Harrison is the king of the double move. He'll be seeing a lot more of those as the season progresses, and they'll be run by receivers who we've actually heard of.

5.)Joseph Addai's vision continues to improve.
- He barely average four yards per carry, but Addai turned several - 5, 6, maybe more - runs that could have gone for no gain into two-and-three yard lunges. Lost in the scope of the game, maybe, is how exemplary a cutback runner Addai has become.

6.)Our special teams are putrid - again.
- One blocked extra point, one missed chipped shot FG and one momentum-killing long kickoff return. The sad thing is, with these guys, that's a C+ week. Must. See. Improvement.

7.)Lendale White is still fat.
- He got his 60 yards or whatever it was, but he was gassed at the end. Don't bet on him being a second-half horse as the season rolls on.

8.)The Colts won a divisional road game.
- Don't overlook the importance of this. A so-so effort against a good team in a hostile environment resulted in a win. That's gratifying.

9.)Tony Ugoh isn't there yet as a pass blocker.
- Manning was hit more often - and harder - in this game than any we can remember since the Baltimore playoff game. Ugoh is a terrific run blocker, but very average when dealing with a straight-ahead bull rush. Kyle Van-"Don't feel like spelling it out" handed Ugoh his lunch several times Sunday. That can't happen.

10.)Sometimes, it's better to be lucky than good.
- The Colts didn't get all the breaks (illegal contact, anyone?), but they got them when they counted (dropped passes, mental miscues). That helps. It's not reliable, but we'll take it.

Sometimes, life just gives you a moment

2007-09-13T18:01:00.000-07:00

And for Colts fans, this a good one. After listening to all the Patriots offseason hyperbole, the trumpeting of their defeat of the Jets and the "Tom Brady as God" Sports Illustrated cover, karma has smiled on the Colts. We take no joy in the misery of other teams, especially considering the Patriots have been the cause of so much of our misery, but we're going to enjoy this. Today, the Patriots took it on the chin. Sunday night - we can only hope - will bring more of the same.

Now everyone out there, try not to laugh too much. Remember: pride comes before the fall.

The Iron Man trailer is finally here!

2007-09-12T10:23:00.000-07:00

Okay, we're kidding, this isn't the real Iron Man trailer. But this is. Enjoy.

Are the Patriots really cheaters?

2007-09-12T10:16:00.000-07:00

All signs point to yes, but we just know this is going to devolved into Pats fans vs. Colts fans bitchfest soon rather than later. We hate that. We think the Pats should have to forfeit a couple draft picks, but anything other than that seems a bit steep for something that probably didn't help them out THAT much. Now, if the radio tapping aspect of this story is true, that's another matter entirely. But we're withholding our judgement until all the details surface, which should be in the next 48 hours. It'd be a shame if this casts a shadow over this season's Colts-Pats matchup, though. We want to beat them fair and square once again, proving which team is the NFL's best.

You have to be kidding us, Jack...

2007-09-11T10:13:00.000-07:00

Jack Del Rio, king of the wood chopping and trying to eek out one more season at the helm of the Jaguars, is in dire straits. So dire, that he thinks this asshat - famous for "liquored up" interviews and shanked kicks - can cure what ails a franchise that can't even sell out its home games. One word Jack: NO.

We're not 16 anymore

2007-09-11T10:00:00.000-07:00

Britney Spears, sex goddess of our youth, has gone from off the rails to crashing into the train station. Does it make you feel as old as it makes us? At any rate, here's the famous VMA meltdown video that's stale after less than 48 hours (watch it quick, it'll be gone soon).

We're praying for you, Kevin Everett

2007-09-11T09:57:00.000-07:00

You've no doubt heard by now about Buffalo tight end Kevin Everett's severe spinal injury suffered in the Bills' game against the Broncos. Please keep him in your thoughts. We know we are.

The best team in the NFL is...

2007-09-11T09:45:00.000-07:00

The Indianapolis Colts...barely. Hate to say it, but the Patriots were damn impressive over the weekend, and we never thought the Chargers had it in them to win a - excuse the phrase - dogfight. We'll be doing a full breakdown of the Colts-Titans game this (we were, how you say, on vacation all last week) week, along with following up on all the NFL subplots that have developed since the close of week one. As of right now, here are our top 10 power rankings.

1.) Indianapolis Colts
- They really couldn't have been more impressive.

2.) New England Patriots
- The Jets defense looks awful, but a shredding is a shredding.

3.) San Diego Chargers
- The Whales Vaginas found a way to win against a top-five defense. It's a new year, new team.

4.) Chicago Bears
- Rex wasn't as bad as he could've been, and that defense is still that defense. Losing Brown for the year is a huge blow, though.

5.) Cincinnati Bengals
- Too high? You might be right, but they downed the Ravens.

6.) Pittsburgh Steelers
- Big Ben: 12 completions, four touchdowns - against the Browns. Temper expectations.

7.) Seattle Seahawks
- They beat the Bucs, but Alexander looked like the Alexander of '05. Always a good thing.

8.) Baltimore Ravens
- If McNair's groin and Lewis' triceps are serious, the Ravens playoffs hopes take a serious dip.

9.) Carolina Panthers
- They swatted the Rams in St. Louis, which is worth mentioning, but not in great detail.

10.) New Orleans Saints
- We know, "It's just one loss!" But there were a lot of things that didn't go right in that one game. A LOT.

NFL Season Predictions

2007-09-05T17:40:00.000-07:00

The NFL season starts tomorrow and we couldn't be more excited. Naturally, we think the Colts are going to defeat the Saints to kick things off (we'll say 31-16). We're taking the day off work just to make sure we're prepared to take it all in. That Super Bowl banner is sure going to look nice. Alright, enough with the bragging, here are our NFL regular season predictions.

AFC East

1.) New England Patriots (12-4)
- All those offseason acquisitions won't make them nearly the juggernaut people are predicting.

2.) New York Jets (8-8)
- Last year's cupcake schedule is gone, and this team has too many holes to pull off another double-digit campaign.

3.) Buffalo Bills (7-9)
- A team on the rise, but it's a slow rise.

4.) Miami Dolphins (6-10)
- This time, please don't take a kick returner with that top-10 pick.

AFC North

1.) Cincinnati Bengals (11-5)
- Palmer's healthy and this defense is going to force turnovers like the 2005 version, not last year's sad sack group.

2.) Baltimore Ravens (10-6)
- There's a reason only the Patriots and Colts win division titles consistently. First-place schedules aren't easy.

3.) Pittsburgh Steelers (10-6)
- Tomlin makes his presence felt in his first year.

4.) Cleveland Browns (4-12)
- Brady Quinn, welcome to the rest of your career.

AFC South

1.) Indianapolis Colts (13-3)
- We're homers and proud of it. But wait until you see this defense.

2.) Jacksonville Jaguars (9-7)
- Garrard. David Garrard. Learn it, love it.

3.) Tennessee Titans (7-9)
- Vince Young can only take a weaponless team so far.

4.) Houston Texans (6-10)
- Matt Schaub, welcome to the rest of your career.

AFC West

1.) San Diego Chargers (12-4)
- Week two showdown with Patriots is crucial for homefield.

2.) Denver Broncos (11-5)
- The best secondary in the NFL? Maybe.

3.) Kansas City Chiefs (6-10)
- It's Brodie time by week five.

4.) Oakland Raiders (5-11)
- Hey, they're more than doubling their win total, right?

AFC Playoffs

Wild Card Round
Bengals over Broncos
Patriots over Ravens

Divisional Round
Colts over Bengals
Chargers over Patriots

AFC Championship Game
Colts over Chargers

NFC East

1.) Dallas Cowboys (12-4)
- Romo goes to the Pro Bowl - again. Yeah, we hate it, too.

2.) Philadelphia Eagles (11-5)
- McNabb can start polishing that Comeback Player of the Year anytime now.

3.) Washington Redskins (7-9)
- All that money, all this failure.

4.) New York Giants (6-10)
- Eli will be great, but the defense will implode.

NFC North

1.) Chicago Bears (11-5)
- Stuck at 7-5, they go to Griese and reel off four straight to end the season.

2.) Green Bay Packers (9-7)
- Farve's reward for all that hard work? A first-round playoff exit. Could be worse.

3.) Minnesota Vikings (7-9)
- Purple Jesus wins Rookie of the Year, but the team still mostly sucks.

4.) Detroit Lions (5-11)
- Matt Millen, chopping time has finally come.

NFC South

1.) New Orleans Saints (11-5)
- They'll start the season 0-1, but then the schedule gets nice and managable.

2.) Carolina Panthers (7-9)
- Peppers wants Freeney money. He'll earn it this season, but it won't matter.

3.) Atlanta Falcons (7-9)
- Hey, seven wins should get Petrino Coach of the Year.

4.) Tampa Bay Bucs (5-11)
- Gruden's glow is finally gone. Hallelujah.

NFC West

1.) Seattle Seahawks (12-4)
- Shaun Alexander has something to prove and he's in the right division to do it.

2.) St. Louis Rams (8-8)
- Holt blows out his knee in week three and S-Jax faces eight-man fronts the rest of the way.

3.) San Francisco 49ers (7-9)
- That sleeper tag was fun while it lasted, wasn't it?

4.) Arizona Cardinals (6-10)
- Sometimes, it's just not your century.

NFC Playoffs

Wild Card Round
Bears over Broncos
Eagles over Saints

Divisional Round
Seahawks over Bears
Cowboys over Eagles

NFC Championship Game
Seahawks over Cowboys

Super Bowl XLII
Colts over Seahawks
- In the game everyone thought we'd be seeing two years ago, the Colts make up for lost time with a 42-17 drubbing that cements Manning's legacy as the greatest QB of his - or any- generation.

Colts/Lions Preseason Game Three Breakdown

2007-08-28T10:35:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the tardiness with this post, but we've been plagued by an addiction to Madden '08 on the 360 we finally broke down and purchased this past weekend. Confession time: we've been using the Colts a lot, and it's tough to win with them against other real players. Addai doesn't have the strength to run up the middle and everyone uses outside contain defenses to negate the vaunted stretch play. Thus, we are forced to pass. And anyone who knows anything about the new Madden knows the new defensive playmaker option makes it near impossible to go an entire game without throwing a couple picks. Anyway, onto the game.

We sat down Saturday night after a long day of late-summer cleaning, Heineken Light in hand, ready to watch the Colts impress against a shitty NFC team (a shitty NFC team, mind you, we've maintained could reach .500 this season). Perhaps we set our goals a bit low. Let's just say we were more than satisfied with the outcome. Here's what we learned:

1.) Anthony Gonzalez - fumble and all - is going to be a big factor in the passing game
- We know, our receivers simply CAN'T fumble the ball, but we're willing to forgive that small transgression. Why? Because Gonzo drew a key pass interference penalty and made a sensational catch in traffic to set up the Colts final score of the first half.

2.) Peyton Manning may throw 40 TDs this season
- Everyone thinks 2004 was an aberration. Not so. This season, with Harrison, Wayne, Gonzalez, Clark and Addai all chipping in, Manning should clear the 40 mark easily.

3.) Freddy Keiaho, the biggest impact player no one knows about
- Colts Nation knows Keaiho, of course, but few outside that realm realize how special a player he has the potential to be. He's a playmaker, pure and simple.

4.) Calvin Johnson does not like to be hit, thank you very much
- For those of you who have yet to draft your fantasy team, be wary of the number two overall pick. He's a specimen, no doubt, but two or three strong hits from the Colts secondary left him with the Reche Caldwell look. He'll learn to take those hits, but not overnight.

5.) Joseph Addai should be good for 60+ catches in 2007
- Those 10 catches in the Super Bowl were not a fluke. Expect Addai to resemble LT circa 2003 this season. Yes, we realize what that means.

6.) Bob Sanders didn't make a tackle. So what?
- To be honest, we're glad he didn't have much contact. He got a taste of game speed and what to expect week one against New Orleans. That's just fine with us.

7.) Ryan Diem, we're watching you
- Yes, there were a few negatives in the Colts 37-10 blowout win. Diem, the veteran RT, whiffed badly on two blocks in the first half, resulting in a sack and a tackle for loss, respectively. We have a rookie starting on the left side, we can't have issues on the other side, too.

8.) Marlin Jackson continues to impress
- He's a Pro Bowler at the halfway point of our season on Madden. Wouldn't be a stretch to see it happen in real life this season. Yes, we mean that.

9.) Sep. 6 can't get here fast enough
- Nine days and counting. Does anyone else feel like it's taking forever?

10.) The Colts defense is not to be messed with
- Call us optimists, but we think this is going to be a top-15 unit by December. There's a rather large chip that resides a couple feet from the neck of the Colts defense, and the longer it stays there, the better.

The Titans just can't help themselves

2007-08-28T10:32:00.000-07:00

Enjoy that slab of sloth you just signed. If he plays 10 games and/or makes more than 30 tackles consider yourselves lucky.

Your "no shit" moment of the day: Larry Johnson ends holdout

2007-08-21T10:47:00.000-07:00

But why did he only sign a five-year extension? We hope the deal's worth a lot of money, because he's not getting another one. Not the way the Chiefs are running his ass into the ground. In other news, we can't wait to see how this plays out on Hard Knocks.

Now, let's travel back in time to before Johnson's sky began to cloud:

Colts/Bears preseason game two breakdown

2007-08-21T10:23:00.000-07:00

Honestly, did anyone not involved in the advertising of this game really see it as a Super Bowl rematch? Doubtful. Though if you watched the first quarter, we wouldn't blame you if you thought you were watching a replay of it. The Colts defense harrassed Rex Grossman into turnover after turnover, the Colts offense moved the ball at will on the Bears defense, and a red zone Colts breakdown/Bears stiffening kept the game a lot closer than it had any right to be. Anyway, here are the 10 things we learned from last night's game:

1.) Rex Grossman is not an NFL-caliber starting QB
- We don't want to be mean, but Grossman simply doesn't have the composure or the mental capacity needed to be a quality player in this league. He has talent, no doubt, but his decision-making and inability to take care of the football more than cancels that out. The Bears may be stuck with him, though, and that sucks for them.

2.) Preseason games are meaningless, but Marlin Jackson may be a future star
- Not to slobber, but Jackson was sensational in the short amount of time he was on the field last night. Five tackles, an interception, and a physicality the Colts haven't had on the outside edge in some time. We're not saying he'll make the Pro Bowl, but we'd be shocked if he didn't have a breakout season.

3.) The Colts special teams are horrendous
- Other than the onside kick that did work, there wasn't much to take solace in last night. Two long, back-breaking runbacks and a fumbled return in a six-minute span lost the Colts this game. That just can't happen.

4.) Freddy Keiaho continues to impress
- Scouts and commentators use the term "high motor" way too frequently, but that's what Keiaho has. He stuffs the run at the line and his lateral movement has been a pleasant surprise. He'll lead this team in tackles by 20 or 30, easy.

5.) Dede Dorsey may not be ready for "real" NFL action
- He looked great late against the Bears third-stringers, but he couldn't even get back to the line of scrimmage against their starters. Not good.

6.) Tony Ugoh is continuing to improve, but is he doing it fast enough?
- The rookie left tackle is obviously an impressive run blocker, but his pass protection skills are still raw. He didn't allow a sack last night, which is good, but he was beaten several times. The skills are there, the question is how fast can he put everything together.

7.) The Colts are simply better than the Bears
- The Bears defense is great, it's just not in the same class as the Colts offense. And, all Grossman jokes aside, the Bears don't have the offensive weapons necessary to exploit the Colts defensive weaknesses.

8.) We have a Sorgi sighting!
- The Colts backup QB proved last night he can capably pick apart second-string defenses. Congratulations. Luckily, we shouldn't ever have to find out if he can do the same to first-team units.

9.) Ed Johnson may be able to replace Booger
- We've still only seen him play for a couple quarters, but last night he had good penetration and recovered a fumble. The jury's still out, though.

10.) Our Antoine Bethea mancrush is growing
- He's going to be a Pro Bowl safety very, very soon. We don't think it's a stretch to say that Sanders and Bethea could end up as the defense's version of Harrison and Wayne. Call us crazy if you like.

Is it Halo 3 day yet?

2007-08-20T10:46:00.001-07:00

Please say it is.

Because you just can't have enough McLovin'

2007-08-20T10:32:00.000-07:00

Seen Superbad yet? If not, start quietly coughing, built it to a hack, then break out the sneezing, then retreat to the bathroom and rub some hot water in your eyes. Head into your boss's office, say you're not feeling well and that you're going to head home to lie down. Instead, you're heading to a theater to watch arguably (seriously, it's neck-and-neck with Knocked Up) the summer's funniest comedy.

We've never seen a movie that made us so wistful over high school. It makes you realize just how much you took that time in your life for granted. Ah, to go back to the times when your biggest problems were not biting on the halfback pass and not using two hands to take off a bra. Now you have a job, a car payment, rent/mortgage, relationships that last more than three months...Basically, life's a bitch. Don't mind us, we're just throwing ourselves a casual pity party. Things could be worse, a girl could have danced with us and then left a bloodstain on our thigh. You have to see the movie to get that one.

So what are you waiting for? Go see this bitch. You'll thank us later.

Your mother warned you about trading for defensive tackles

2007-08-20T09:50:00.000-07:00

There's no sense elaborating much on this little NFL tidbit: Broncos DT Gerard Warren was traded to the Raiders today for a ham sandwich (or an undisclosed draft pick, we're not sure). As Big Blue Shoe writes over at the estimable Stampede Blue, it's hard to understand why the Raiders would give up anything for a player who was going to be cut eventually, but that's why they're the Raiders. It's likely just a second-day pick, but when those second-day picks turn into the Antoine Betheas of the world, they're nice to have around.

For fallout purposes, this could mean Warren Sapp is on his way out in Oakland. We sure hope so; we'd love to have Sapp on this team. Sapp + Dungy = True Love. Or maybe just a top-15 defense. You make the call.

Obviously, he never copped a feel on Parcells

2007-08-17T11:33:00.001-07:00

Sorry for the wealth of NFL information today, but we haven't posted in nearly a week and our excitement for the upcoming season knows no boundaries. Anyway, Baltimore defensive coordinator Rex Ryan, in his bid to become an NFL head coach has decided that the best way to do so is by dropping a few waist sizes. We might have suggested simply contacting the Bucs at the end of the season, but whatever. This story in the Baltimore Sun informs us that at one point Ryan was consuming 7,000 calories a day, or roughly three times our daily intake(we're 6'2, 185 pounds, for comparative purposes).

While it's true that grotesquely overweight coaches aren't the norm in the NFL, Ryan seems to have spent too much time watching Herman Edwards running wind sprints on HBO.

There's not too many fat guys that are coaches. I don't see how weight can make you a better coach," Ryan said. "But I guess if you're the face of the franchise, then that is important as well."

Let's see: Andy Reid, Mike Holmgren, Romeo Crennel, Wade Phillips...shit, he's right. When did this happen?

Vick...is done for

2007-08-17T11:26:00.000-07:00

We're sick of Vick, but this tidbit from one of his former associates who entered his guilty plea this morning is as damning as it gets:

According to the statement of facts signed Friday, "Peace, (Quanis) Phillips and Vick executed approximately 8 dogs that did not perform well in 'testing' sessions at 1915 Moonlight Road by various methods, including hanging and drowning. All three participated in executing the dogs. Peace agrees and stipulates that these dogs all died as a result of the collective efforts of Peace, Phillips and Vick."

Yeah, we think it's safe to go ahead and not drat him for your fantasy team.

David Beckham vs. Al Pacino, round one

2007-08-17T11:22:00.000-07:00

Where people think this shit up, we do not know.

We swear we're not lazy, we've actually been busy.

2007-08-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

We apologize for the scarcity of posts recently, but we’ve been swamped at our real gig (and as much as we like this one, those Goggle AdSense dollars don’t pay the rent) and unable to blog beneath our boss’s nose. You understand, right? We’re sure the six of you still with us do. At any rate, to catch up we’re going all out with a hot ass August edition of Things We Know.

1.) The Colts should absolutely NOT sign Tank Johnson.
- Sure, Lovie Smith has talked him up to Tony Dungy and he’s a quality DT, but this is not the solution to the Colts defensive problems. He can’t even play for the first eight regular season games. By all means Bill Polian, take a long look at Gerard Warren and Warren Sapp, just keep away from Tank.

2.) Superbad is going to be the shit.
- We’ll be seeing it tonight or tomorrow, but some friends in the industry have seen test screenings and say it may be the best yet from Apatow and Co. “Better than Virgin?” we asked. “Yep, better than Virgin,” they responded. So there’s that.

3.) Michael Vick is headed for the concrete floor hotel.
- All indications point to a plea deal being struck sometime today. In other news, our Vick dog chew toy is on backorder and should be here by the season opener.

4.) You should NOT go see The Ten.
- We know it’s tempting, because Paul Rudd is in it, but you’ll thank us later.

5.) Monday Night Football is tolerable again.
- We’ve always had a soft spot for Ron Jaworski and his Ivy League-style breakdown of film, but we never imagined how wonderful he’d be in the Monday Night booth. He even makes Kornheiser funny again.

6.) If you’re not psyched for this weekend’s Cards/Cubs series, get fucked.
- Both teams are within 2 ½ games of first place in the NL Central, and they get it on four times at Wrigley. This is as good as baseball gets, people, even if it’s two mediocre teams from a shitty division.

7.) The new Madden is – pardon our cliché – the balls!
- We have yet to take the Xbox 360 plunge (though the price drop has us wavering), but we’ve been playing it at work all week and it’s great. Not late 90’s/early 00’s great, but as great as it gets with an exclusive NFL license.

8.) Did anyone else know that The Invasion comes out this weekend?
- Here’s another lesson kids: stop remaking classic films that were just fine to begin with.

9.) Mercifully, John From Cincinnati was killed in its sleep.
- We watched one episode and gave up. Others were more lenient, patient and forgiving, but what did they ultimately gain?

10.) David Beckham still doesn’t have our attention.
- Even though we live in Los Angeles (Santa Monica, really), we couldn’t care less. And, apparently, so could the rest of you.

Remember, remember, the sixth of September...

2007-08-13T10:33:00.000-07:00

As we're sure you've heard by now, the Indianapolis Colts have been shot, killed and left for dead. If they somehow crawl to nine wins this season, they will have exceeded expectations. The defending Super Bowl champions have no shot at repeating, let alone making the playoffs. Don't believe us? Fine, but do you believe these people.

"This will be the headline on USA Today tomorrow." NBC analyst Chris Colinsworth, declaring that the Jacksonville Jaguars would unseat the Colts as AFC South division champions this season. We thumbed through USA Today's sport section this morning - no mention.

"I have one thing to say about the Indianapolis Colts, my Super Bowl pick from June: Uh-oh." Sports Illustrated writer Peter King, reneging on his backing of the Colts following the season-ending knee injury to Booger McFarland.

"It's just hard to expect everything to come together at the ideal time for them like it did at the end of last season." Sporting News writer Vinnie Iyer, in an early July column all but declaring the Patriots Super Bowl XLII winners.

"The single best thing for the league in 2007 is for the New England Patriots to go undefeated through the regular season and the playoffs." Real Football 365.com writer Os Davis, obviously suffering from some sort of debilitating brain condition.

This is just a small sampling, but the message is clear. The Colts are in trouble, and spiraling downward in a hurry. Funny, we didn't get the memo.

Vick done for the year? Not so, says the NFL.

2007-08-13T10:05:00.000-07:00

Yahoo! Sports, those news sleuths with the affection for extraneous punctuation, are probably shitting the bed this morning. We say that because the NFL is refuting their weekend report that Michael Vick will be suspended for the entire 2007 season. This in no way means that the sources Yahoo! has on the story are wrong, but merely that the NFL will announce the situation when they damn well please.

Either way, Brian Brohm still looks headed to the Falcons next year.

Benadryl makes your fingers sleepy...

2007-08-13T09:57:00.000-07:00

We had a minor allergic reaction this morning to some kind of fruit - what we're not sure - so you'll have to excuse us if we're not operating at 100 percent. On the plus side, we're no longer blotchy and swollen. The downside, of course, is that our fingers feel like little Gilbert Browns banging away. Horrible mental image there, no? We're currently double fisting Red Bulls in an effort to compensate, just the sort of thing a doctor would tell us not to do. Screw doctors.

Steve Carell continues to churn out movies - again and again

2007-08-10T11:53:00.000-07:00

We didn't see Evan Almighty, and we don't think we missed anything. But sequels written by Steve Oedekerk notwithstanding, we'll watch Carell in anything - even if Dane Cook's in it. So check out this trailer for Dan in Real Life and let us know what you think. We dislike the emotional ploy of using Pete Townshend and the scant appearance of the great Dianne West, but this seems like a role perfectly suited to Carell's strengths. We shall see.

Box office, why has thou forsaken us?

2007-08-10T10:42:00.000-07:00

Over the past two weekends, The Simpsons Movie and The Bourne Ultimatum have ruled the box office with opening weekends of $70 million and $75 million, respectively. Some analysts are suggesting that Brett Ratner's Rush Hour 3 - also known as Turd in the Water - may approach those numbers this weekend.

Rant

If that happens, we may have to boycott the movies until October, when bona fide films again appear on theater screens. We hate Brett Ratner. We hate stupid movies. And we hate all things Rush Hour. That is all.

/Rant

We're a little late on this, but...

2007-08-10T10:33:00.000-07:00

The Steelers have a new mascot and his name is...Steely McBeam. Good Lord, that's hideous. Of all the franchises who could pull off something this stupid, we totally would have put our money on the Buzzsaw. We liked the Steelers chances in the AFC North this year, prior to seeing this. No way they make the playoffs with this thing on the sidelines.

Pam Oliver, doing the cockroach

2007-08-10T10:27:00.000-07:00

Not only did Pam Oliver have to contend with permanently erect nipples all throughout last night's Colts/Cowboys game, she also had to deal with those practical jokers on the Dallas sideline. Apparently, they slipped a cockroach into the interview. Those scads! Kudos to her for still slipping in the contract question, though. As if Tony Romo were actually going to leave Dallas. He's the starting QB for the Dallas Cowboys! Where else is he going to go, Atlanta?

Quick thoughts on the Colts first preseason game

2007-08-10T09:49:00.000-07:00

So, the Colts lost to the Cowboys and it wasn't even close. Surprise, surprise. Were any Colts fans really shocked? No doubt the national media is already formulating a series of "The Colts are dead and buried" stories to lead up to the season opener against the Saints. They'll all conveniently leave out the fact the Colts are 1-10 in their last 11 preseason games. Their regular season and playoff record over that same span? 42-12.

The sky isn't falling. In fact, there were several signs of encouragment from last night's game:

1.) The offense looks great.
- We didn't get to see the first team utilize Anthony Gonzalez and Joseph Addai only carried the ball twice, but they were clicking as usual. The only downside was that disturbing playoff trend of driving down the field and settling for field goals continued.

2.) Tony Ugoh looked like a rookie - an extremely talented rookie.
- He was overmatched on a few plays against DeMarcus Ware and Anthony Spencer, but for the most part he held his own without the aid of a tight end. And, most importantly, Manning was not sacked. Mission accomplished.

3.) Antoine Bethea looks outstanding.
- He was a little late in getting to some seam routes dumped over the linebackers heads, but he was mostly solid in coverage and was a run-stopping force. It wouldn't shock me to see the Colts move he and Bob Sanders back and forth in the box this year to cut down on Sanders' workload.

4.) Freddy Keiaho is better than Cato June.
- If you saw the game, no elaboration is necessary. He hits hard - and low! - and is quick enough to gain depth and get into space on play action. It's safe to say we've seen the last of our weakside linebacker bouncing off Maurice Jones-Drew like a pinball.

5.) Jim Sorgi is awful.
- If Manning ever goes down for any extended period of time, we're screwed. He's jumpy, erratic, and has no feel for pressure in the pocket. He looked like a rookie.

6.)The corners played well, for the most part.
- Backup CB Tim Jennings was juked BADLY by Marion Barber on an outside toss, Kelvin Hayden seemed a bit tentative and Marlin Jackson seemed a little overagressive in the running game, but overall their performance confirmed what we fans have thought all along: there will be little to no dropoff in performance from the corner position. Also, how bad did Jason David look in the Saints' secondary Sunday night?

7.) The competition for Addai's understudy is still open.
- DeDe Dorsey is lighting quick, but tiny as hell. Clifton Dawson has nice feet and vision, but doesn't seem to have much burst. If we could somehow take the two and merge them, we'd have a hell of a backup. We need to see more.

8.) The kickoff coverage was much better.
- How this will translate over into the regular season is anyone's guess, but no Dallas return really went anywhere. That's all we can ask for. If we can keep opponents starting behind their own 35 this year, we'll be sitting pretty.

9.) Ed Johnson could be a sleeper.
- He's a rookie DT that we didn't know anything about prior to last night's game. But after watching him tie up Cowboy blockers and sack Tony Romo, we have a good feeling about the Johnson not named Tank or Charlie. We can't take too much away from the first preseason game, but we're hopeful.

10.) Our defense still struggles with the draw.
- They didn't allow any 20+ yard runs like seemingly every week last year, but it still looks like the coaches have some work to do defending the draw. As long as it works, we can expect it on every third down.

Be Kind Rewind, the latest high-concept movie America won't get

2007-08-09T13:09:00.000-07:00

Look, Michel Gondry movies - Human Nature, Eternal Sunshine and The Science of Sleep among them - are an acquired taste. We eat the shit out of them, so to speak. And his latest, Be Kind Rewind, with Jack Black and Mos Def, looks nothing short of brilliant. Brilliant because, if you've seen a Gondry film, it will end up nothing like the trailer and philistines will jeer that they didn't get what they thought they were getting.

What you're getting is art, isn't that enough?

Madden, Madden, Madden...

2007-08-09T11:27:00.000-07:00

We work for a series of Web sites that includes a video game media portal, so we often play games prior to their release. Thus, we've been playing the new Madden for about a week. Kiss it. What do we think? It's great, mostly because it's Madden, but also because it's football in high-definition you don't have to wait six days a week for. Gametap has released a complete breakdown of the game (which hits stores Aug. 14), along with all the new player ratings.

We're just glad the game was locked before Booger McFarland was lost for the season. In this game, the Colts defense actually has a puncher's chance. Oh, and Randy Moss is ridiculously overhyped, if that's possible.

We doubt this is true, but...

2007-08-09T11:20:00.000-07:00

We've never heard of this blog, but then no one has ever heard of us, so...

Anyway, LA Rag would have us believe that Jessica Alba has herpes, which she contracted from - wait for it - Derek Jeter. Who also gave them to David Beckham. Just kidding on that one. Make of this what you will. We think someone's awfully jealous of all the male attention Ms. Alba commands and is trying to damage her pristine reputation as an attractive actress with little talent. For shame.

The NFL preseason is upon us...

2007-08-09T11:07:00.000-07:00

We know, technically the NFL's annual spate of meaningless preseason games got underway last weekend with the Hall of Fame Game (where the Steelers made everyone think twice about that Saints secondary), but for us it really starts tonight. The Super Bowl champion Colts will head to Texas to take on the Dallas Cowboys, who beat them there about nine months ago. The Cowboys are a sound football teams, and we think they have an excellent chance of winning the NFC. Truth be told, we'd be shocked if the Colts won this game.

For some odd reason (read: high-priced stars make for shitty second- and third-stringers) the Colts typically go 0-4 or 1-3 in the preseason. Compare that with the regular season - where they've gone 12-4 or better in each of the past four years - and you have yourself a decent wager game. We don't usually recommend betting on preseason games (screams "degenerate!" to us), but this is one case where even we might bet against the Colts.

We'll be watching these game closely. We haven't seen the Colts in action since early February, and they have quite a few new faces who haven't seen the field much. The players we'll be keeping an eye on are Freddy Keiaho, Marlin Jackson, Kelvin Hayden, Tony Ugoh, Anthony Gonzalez and Quinn Pitcock. If these six players - a combined five years NFL experience among them - can be reliable starters, the Colts have a good shot at repeating. If they struggle, 10-6 is starting us right in the face. Are you ready for some Joe Buck?

Rick Ankiel's back where he belongs

2007-08-09T10:37:00.000-07:00

We won't go into the long, depressing story of how Rick Ankiel went from the next great Cardinals pitcher to tragic baseball figure; we don't have the stomach for it. We will, however, mention that Ankiel has finally returned to the major leagues, this time as a power-hitting outfielder. Will he stick? He'd better, because if the Cardinals don't keep him on their roster the rest of this season he'll be available for other teams to take a shot at. No Cardinal fan wants that, and the Cardinal organization isn't foolish enough to let it happen.

Ankiel will be a solid, productive outfielder. He'll strike out more often than fans would like. But he's an interesting story, and with the hole the Cardinals have dug for themselves this season, any distraction is welcome.

Who has bigger arms, Jeter or Becks?

2007-08-08T11:54:00.000-07:00

Who cares who's the better athlete or who's accomplished more (both on the field and off), what we want to know is "who benches more, Jeter or Beckham?" Judging by this picture, taken during Beckham's recent visit to the Yankees locker room, it's a close race. Of course, Jeter has hit 20 homers in a season before and Beckham can't use his hands. We'll give the nod to the Yankee panty stripper.

Where have all the film critics gone?

2007-08-08T11:41:00.000-07:00

Full disclosure: we used to be a struggling - aspiring, you might say - film critic, so we might be a tad biased where the following issue is concerned.

Local film critics are on their way out. The American Journalism Review says so right here. Part of us wants to say this is a good thing, because the trimming of newspaper staffs will allowed the industry to live on in the printed form for another few years. Another part os us thinks this is a travesty and further evidence that the globalization of the American media is the kick in the kneecaps before the death blow to the throat.

We can't decide; all we know is that we enjoy - nay, crave! - film commentary. We ourselves are only mediocre at it at best. We won a few awards in college for our movie reviews, but that was college. Gino Torretta won a few awards in college, too. Local film critics are necessary - for those towns with a local film scene. Our hometown has a population of 3,000 and recently renovated a theater that shows one second-run film per week. Needless to say, their weekly paper does not require a film critic.

But take the town(s) of Bloomington-Normal, Illinois, the metropolis we most often visit when we fly home for the holidays. They have a population of 100,000-plus, five theaters - one of which is an art/classic theater - and two universities that offer film degrees. Their local film scene could be described as sputtering at best, but how will people every become aware of events and films playing in their area without a neighborhood voice?

It's a sobering thought. So is being a journalism graduate in today's job market and economy. But that's what happens when you have parents who support your drive to become a writer.

In case you somehow missed it...

2007-08-08T10:26:00.001-07:00

Barry Bonds' 756th home run has landed. And it was nabbed by a Mets fan who's now quite richer than the rest of us. Here's the full video, complete with Hank Aaron's salute:

A little salt in the wound, Illini fans

2007-08-07T12:43:00.001-07:00

It's a slow news day both in the sports and entertainment worlds, so we thought we'd let those of you who aren't familiar with Eric Gordon in on a little secret: he's going to be the best player in the nation next year. He plays for Indiana. And he's going to lead the Hoosiers to the Final Four. You heard it here first.

Oh, and he's also loathed by the Orange Crush and Illini fans everywhere.

Our dog's early birthday present is a good one

2007-08-07T11:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, we have a dog named Peyton. So what? This is what he'll be chewing on in about a month. You have to love merchandising. If you'd like to pick one up for your loving pet, go here.

Indianapolis Colts, your mission: Disprove this man

2007-08-07T09:51:00.001-07:00

This is Skip Bayless. He's known for irrelevance, inanity, and - most of all - contradicting himself. Just a few weeks ago he said on ESPN's First Take that all the pundits picking the Patriots to win the Super Bowl should not discount the defending champion Colts. Today, following the season-ending injury sustained by Booger McFarland, he predicted the Colts would go 9-7 and might miss the playoffs completely.

That's nice. Talk to me in November when the Colts are rolling toward another 12-win season, Skip. McFarland's injury may devastate the Colts interior run defense, but was it really going to be that great to begin with?

Your Super Bowl contenders preview: the New Orleans Saints

2007-08-06T13:34:00.001-07:00

Last week, we gave our analysis of the Dallas Cowboys and their potential to end the NFL season in Glendale. One down, nine to go. Next up, destiny's darlings: the New Orleans Saints.

Pros:

1.) Reggie Bush - year two. By all accounts, Reggie Bush had a solid rookie year. Despite a paltry yards-per-carry average and some questionable hole selection early on, Bush turned it on down the stretch. He scored four touchdowns in one game, and his 80-yard-plus touchdown run and catch in the NFC Championship against the Bears gave the Saints momentary hope. This year, with a season under his belt and a more restrained running philosophy, Bush could contend for a Pro Bowl berth.

2.) Sean Payton, the maestro of the South. Not only did Payton outcoach luminaries like Bill Parcells last season, his leadership and willingness to take risks allowed youngsters like Marques Colston and Devery Henderson to far exceed expectations. Will see if he can do that with a first-place schedule this season.

3.) The revenge factor. Let's face it, the Saints were demolished by the Bears in the fourth quarter of last year's NFC title game. Whatever could go wrong, did go wrong. The Bears weren't that much better than New Orleans, and the Saints know it. There's nothing like a devastating loss to get you revved up for a new season.

Cons:

1.) The secondary. Fred Thomas is an awful, awful coverage cornerback. Rex Grossman, of all people, picked him apart last season. Jason David, decent in the Colts' Cover 2 scheme, cannot be counted on without over-the-top help. Last night's preseason opener didn't bode well for his future with the Saints.

2.) The schedule. The Saints open at the Colts and finish at the Bears. In between, they face the Jaguars, Eagles, Seahawks and 49ers. That's six tough games, and we haven't even touched on their two divionsal contest against what should be a much-improved Carolina squad. Getting back to 10-6 is doable, but improving upon that mark may not be.

3.) The Chicago Bears. Yes, the Saints were in the game late in the third quarter. But the Bears still possess the most talent in the conference and, because they play in a much weaker division, are in the driver's seat for homefield advantage. The road to the Super Bowl may go through Soldier Field once again.

Overall:

- The Saints have a tough schedule, defensive questions and lack the element of surprise this time around. No matter, because this team is still talented enough to make the playoffs. Thing is, they won't be able to do much once they get there. We say another 10-6 regular season, a win in the wild card round, and then another long winter.

Don't fret, Glenn Close scares the shit out of us, too...

2007-08-06T13:09:00.000-07:00

Sports
Eagles fans also scare us. A lot. [Deadspin]
Darren McFadden, becoming a superstar in a hurry. [Losers with Socks]
At least the Dolphins have injury issues, so there's that. [Phin Insider]
ESPN, you can go ahead and stop with the NOW. [Kentucky.com]

Movies
Which directors out there are older than dirt? [Movie City Indie]
Brett Ratner and gay sex. Yep, you read it right. [The Advocate]
Women in films, 80 years of it. Holy crap. [Miraulam]
E! gets to the bottom of this Eddie Murphy daddy business. [E! News]

TV
Jack Bauer is now fighting the sun. Can he win? [WA Post]
From reality star to homeless, all in a couple years. Ouch. [NY Mag]
Go ahead and download the new Weeds episodes, they want you to. [Ad Age]
GLAAD tells Fox to stick it. Where, we don't know. [Variety]

The Bourne Ultimatum: our short-ass review

2007-08-06T12:50:00.000-07:00

Matt Damon is no longer a Streisand; the first two films in the Jason Bourne trilogy established that. But in The Bourne Ultimatum, Paul Greengrass's frenetic third installment of the amnesiac spy series, Damon adds a touch of vulnerability we haven't seen before. In the first Bourne, we saw him fall in love; in the second, we saw him grieve; in this one, we see him grappling with who he is, who he was, and what he's going to become.

It's heady stuff, and that doesn't even touch on the plot, involving a CIA cover-up, agent betrayals, and verbiage even Jack Ryan couldn't decode. Ultimatum is perhaps the least accessible in the series, but it's also the most thrilling. It's a dazzling display of choreography, editing and in-the-trenches camerawork. In other words, it's a Paul Greengrass film. Ultimatum is the best action movie of the year, and on the short list for best of the decade. We don't want to spoil the ending for anyone who has yet to see it, but there's more than a chance we'll see Damon - and Bourne - again soon.

But not soon enough.

The worst movie you'll see all year (and it's not out for months)

2007-08-06T12:37:00.000-07:00

We hated National Treasure. Loathed it. Wanted to strangle it. Naturally, there's going to be a sequel. The trailer can be viewed below. How they talked Ed Harris and Helen Mirren into this is beyond comprehension, but not compensation.

Barry Bonds is armed and dangerous (to baseball, that is)

2007-08-06T12:27:00.000-07:00

We don't care that Barry Bonds (allegedly) used performance-enhancing drugs to set the single-season home run record. Many players were doing it, baseball wasn't testing for it, and baseball is a competition. In competition, you do whatever you can within the rules to win. Bonds did that. Is he an asshole? Definitely. Are the numbers he's put up over the past seven years faulty when compared to what past legends like Ruth, Mays and Mantle did during their careers? Probably. But honestly, when Bonds hits his next - and 756th overall - home run, we'll be extremely relieved. We can't stand talking and hearing about this record ad nauseam any longer.

We will watch this delightful video, though.

The sky is falling...

2007-08-06T11:54:00.000-07:00

How could things get worse for the Colts, you say? Just two weeks ago, the optimism was building to a crescendo. Sure, the Patriots had upgraded many of their weaknesses, but other than the departure of a few replaceable defensive starters, the Colts losses were minimal. Then, the sky cracked and began to tumble. Tarik Glenn retired. Tony Ugoh, a rookie, became the guardian of Peyton Manning's blindside. Next, Corey Simon was cut, ending any thoughts of his acquistion actually fortifying our defensive interior.

And yesterday the sky landed on Colts fans heads: Booger McFarland may miss the entire season with a patella tendon tear. We had just returned from seeing The Bourne Ultimatum last night (phenomenal, BTW) when we turned on the NFL Network and this sentence scrolled across the bottom of the screen: A. McFarland out for season.

Shit. We're not going to say McFarland was a Pro Bowl-caliber player, by any means, but he was a capable run stuffer at the DT position. Those are a rarity for the Colts. His play in the playoffs was a big reason for the defense's sudden turnaround. Losing him for the entire season is, if not a death blow, as close as it gets. Our DT depth was shaky to begin with; those in line to replace McFarland have only a handful of NFL tackles combined. We're not prepared to concede this season or hand the AFC Championship to the Chargers or Patriots, but we're not blind. The Colts are starting the season behind the 8-ball.

We're going to be written off. Analysts will begin to say we'll be lucky to win 10 games, or simply return to the playoffs. Maybe they're right. But we still believe. At this point, when everything seems to be going wrong, what else can you do?

Mark Wahlberg does the Departed dance one more time

2007-08-03T12:50:00.000-07:00

Sooner or later he's going to get that Oscar.

Ebert o-philes, rejoice!

2007-08-03T12:38:00.001-07:00

We're not sure how obsessed you readers are with Roger Ebert, but we're largely so. And now, if you weren't already aware, you can watch all of he and Siskel and he and Roeper's reviews online. For free! Just give in and get it over with, people.

What will The Borne Ultimatum gross this weekend?

2007-08-03T12:25:00.000-07:00

We don't know about you, but we plan on being among the droves of moviegoers visting Matt Damon this weekend. But the question is, how many - and how big - will those droves be? Most box office analysts are forecasting about $60 million. That seems awfully large. Does Bourne have a larger built-in audience than The Simpsons? The animated comedy did $70 million-plus last weekend, though that far exceeded industry expectations. We'll go out on a limb and say Ultimatum does $58 million. Check back Monday for our thoughts on the film and our apology for the inaccuracy.

The Bronx is still burning

2007-08-03T09:55:00.001-07:00

Yes, the ESPN miniseries is watchable at best - John Turturro really saves it - but you have to admit George Steinbrenner is the bastard who keeps on giving. Just read this article to see why.

Finally, some clarity on the Corey Simon debacle

2007-08-02T11:33:00.000-07:00

It looks like the nightmare that has been the Colts' acquisition of former Pro Bowl defensive tackle Corey Simon is coming to a close. Colts owner Jim Irsay tells the Indianapolis Star the signing was a "bad mistake" and both sides are now looking to reach an agreement that would send Simon packing. Shocker. Look, we're not going to lie about the rollercoaster of emotions we've ridden where Corey Simon is concerned. When he was signed prior to the 2005 season, we were ecstatic. Finally, the run stuffer in the middle the Colts so desperately needed.

Then, the 2006 training camp opened, Simon was shelved with a knee injury and never played another down for the Colts. He supposedly has some mysterious illness that has yet to be revealed to the public. It's doubtful we'll have know what that illness is, but it has effectively ended the relationship between Simon and the Colts. We say good riddance, not because we didn't like the idea of a Booger McFarland/Corey Simon/Raheem Brock DT rotation; we say good riddance because now the Colts can put the situation behind them and it will no longer be a distraction.

It's too bad things worked out this way, but it just continues to prove that the most successful method of NFL roster building is doing so through the draft. The Colts are among the NFL's best at it, so don't expect them to enter the free agent market again anytime soon.

There'll be no Twins games for a bit...

2007-08-02T10:11:00.000-07:00

If you haven't seen the footage of the Minneapolis bridge collapse yet, go here. Absolutely awful.

Academy Award winner Halle Berry still gets us

2007-08-01T11:32:00.000-07:00

Here's the trailer for the new Halle Berry/Benicio Del Toro drama Things We Lost in the Fire. It's a "family puts itself back together after a tragedy"-style emotional yarn that wears its "look at us, Oscar!" stamp on its forehead. We'll probably still see it, but we don't suggest you do the same.

Blade Runner still kicks ass after all these years...

2007-08-01T11:16:00.000-07:00

Sports
Is Boston once again the epicenter of the sports world? [Bugs and Cranks]
Duante Culpepper, a perfect fit for Oaktown and those rowdy fans. [Signal to Noise]
Is Barry thinking about backing off this whole record business? [SI.com]
It ain't about sports, but you'll like it all the same. [Chicago Tribune]

Movies
Woody Allen's penchant for ripping off Ingmar Bergman explored. [Film Babble]
John August talks all about The Nines, his amazing new film. [EW]
Pretty weak crop of new DVDs this week. [Pop Candy]
Check out some clips from the new Blade Runner: Ultimate Edition DVD. [Yahoo! Movies]

TV
A little star gets a big DUI. [TMZ]
Here's your Battlestar fix, if you were jonesing for it. [Sci-Fi]
Ebert & Roeper are going the way of the Web. [USA Today]
Steven Bocho must have one hell of a casting director. [H-Wood Reporter]

Does the Sex Cannon really suck?

2007-08-01T10:46:00.000-07:00

Or is it just his predilection for saying, "Fuck it, I'm going deep," that's holding him back from being a competent NFL QB? Deadspin's continuing NFL preview argues that he does not suck, and we generally agreed in a post we just wrote that was eaten by our server. Needless to say, Grossman does not warrant a rewrite. Here's the lowdown in a short burst of prose: good arm, bad mechanics, questionable decision making, wilts under pressure. He's a middle-of-the-road QB, no more, no less. Thank you for your time.

Bless you, Sex Cannon.

Ratatouille - see it now!

2007-08-01T10:29:00.000-07:00

Brilliant. There's no other way to describe it. Other than David Fincher's Zodiac, this is the best film we've seen so far this year. We're just a bit ashamed it took us so long. Don't make the same mistake. See it now, dammit!

If you have a heart, please let it bleed for the Cats

2007-08-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

The Jacksonville Jaguars, the Colts perennial stepping stone in the AFC South, have sustained a potentially catastrophic injury in the early stages of training camp. They've lost starting center Brad Meester for eight-to-10 weeks to fractured right ankle. That puts his return at around week six. In the loaded AFC, five games without an experienced center could have you playing catchup for a playoff spot. Then again, we didn't think the Jags were a playoff team anyway.

The Dark Knight trailer no one wants you to see...

2007-07-31T15:34:00.000-07:00

Okay, so we're just fucking with you. This was made by a fan, a very talented fan, if we do say so ourselves. Enjoy, and continue to spray your fanboy shorts. We know we will.

Your Super Bowl contenders preview begins....now!

2007-07-31T15:07:00.001-07:00

We’ve been scouring other sports blogs and sites over the past couple weeks, and it’s become painfully obvious that we’re lacking in an NFL preview feature. We don’t want to rip of anyone else’s, so we won’t be profiling each team or breaking down each division. It’s been done, and, quite frankly, there’s a good third of the NFL that’s painstaking to write about.

But what we will do is for the next month and change, every few days we’ll preview one of the 10 teams we think has a clear shot at holding the Lombardi Trophy in Glendale come February. Today: the Dallas Cowboys.

Pros:

1.) Tony Romo is overrated and overhyped, but the dearth of quality QB play in the NFC means he’s an elite player in the JV conference. Look for him to put up 25 TDs with 3,800 yards and about 14-16 interceptions. We like to think of him as Tom Brady without weapons, only with weapons. Does that make any sense?

2.) DeMarcus Ware. This rising OLB recorded double-digit sacks and forced five fumbles in just his second year in the NFL. He’s the real deal and should have an all-pro season in Wade Philips’ 3-4 scheme.

3.) Marion Barber III was a TD machine last season, and if offensive coordinator Jason Garrett can find creative ways to get him in space, he could be a sleeper Pro Bowl pick.

Cons:

1.) The Cowboys keep saying Roy Williams will be covering less and hitting more this season. That sounds like copping to a weakness to us, and that’s never a good thing. Ken Hamlin is an upgrade at free safety, but he doesn’t have the centerfield skills to allow Williams to roam completely free. We haven’t seen the last TD pass sail over Williams’ head.

2.) Wade Philips. Nothing personal, but he just doesn’t seem like a head coach. Jerry Jones wanted a company man who was going to do what he wanted. We all saw how the Barry Switzer era ended.

3.) Terrell Owens. He’s loud, brash, and his skills appear to be declining (he led the league in drops last season). It was year two before Owens imploded the Eagles, lest we forget.

Overall:

- Top to bottom, this is one of the strongest teams in the NFC, and one of the only NFC clubs who could compete in the AFC. They’ll have to contend with a rejuvenated Donovan McNabb in the NFC East, and Romo still looks easily rattled to us. We say they go 11-5 and win a playoff game, before falling in the divisional round.

Dean Cain just can't shed the Supes suit

2007-07-31T10:28:00.001-07:00

Sports
Yeah, the Celtics future is bleak. [Simon on Sports]
Pacman probably won't be too active in the ring. [Wrestlezone]
Peter King, the prescient killer. [SI.com]
Jayson Stark has all the MLB trade deadline info you could ever want. [ESPN]
Movies
Bergman, as genius as Bill Walsh. [Movie City News]
How environmental are The Simpsons? [Slate]
So many Blade Runners, so little viewing time. [Esquire]
A delightful tale of how hard screenwriting really is. [The Artful Writer]

TV
Big Love, suddenly all about cunnilingus. [EW]
Star Jones, owning up to the fat loss. [ET Online]
Blair Underwood will never find a good role - ever. [H-Wood Reporter]
Dean Cain will always be our Superman. [Movie Hole]

Rick Ankiel will be here soon...

2007-07-31T10:23:00.000-07:00

Our feelings for Rick Ankiel are nothing compared to the debilitating mancrush/torch Deadspin carries for him, but we liked the guy, too. There's a chance, however slight, he'll be called up to the Bigs before the end of the regular season. We doubt it happens, but it's encouraging. Not as discouraging, however, as this:

Your Indianapolis Colts training camp update

2007-07-31T10:02:00.000-07:00

Being that we're roughly 2,000 miles from Terre Haute, where the Colts annually hold their training camp, we can't provide much in the way of first-hand observations. But we have several spies that can, which we'll relate to you day after day until this NFL season finally - finally! - kicks off.

First, the Corey Simon debacle continues. Apparently, he came to Indy for a physical on Friday, which the Colts say he failed. Simon's agent says he's not aware of the results and he's "not sure" why Simon was told not to report to Terre Haute. Rumor has it that Simon was spotted at a Florida State (his alma mater) recruiting party not too long ago and looked grossly overweight. We're guessing he stepped in the door for his physical, the doctors took one look at him and phoned Bill Polian, whose forehead proceeded to erupt.

Next, there’s the left tackle situation, as the sudden retirement of Tarik Glenn leaves a gaping hole at the premier offensive line position. Tony Ugoh has the first crack at winning the starting job, but if the second preseason game rolls around and Sorgi and Navarre are spending any time on their back, expect that to change.

Reggie Wayne continues to thrill fans with his eccentric training camp entrances.

Joseph Addai, apparently, looked rather thuggish upon his arrival. We refuse to believe this, but our sources never lie. Or do they?

Daymeion Hughes has decided to be known by his middle name, Dante, which we thing is a bad decision. Really, we could have had Satan playing corner with The Eraser playing over the top. How awesome would that’ve been?

Speaking of The Eraser, he’s started the season on the PUP list. Sanders is still recovering from offseason surgery, and we say let him take all the time he needs. If he wants to wait until week six, fine by us. As long as he’s around for the stretch run.

We’ll have more updates later today and throughout the week as we continue our correspondence with our Colts insiders.

Whew, things are cracking up...

2007-07-31T09:42:00.000-07:00

See, this is what happens when your Internet goes down for a few days - the world goes and upends itself. What has changed in the three days we’ve been away? Well, Ingmar Bergman, Tom Snyder, Michelangelo Antonioni and – perhaps saddest of all – Bill Walsh have died, Mike Vick continues to prep himself for jail, and the Celtics have mortgaged their future to form a trio of aging superstars.

What do we think? The deaths, obviously, are tragic and our hearts go out to the families of the deceased, but the lives these men led were so rich and influential it’s hard to be too depressed when thinking about the joy and knowledge they brought to this world. Okay, cornball soliloquy over. As for Vick – he’s done. We’ll go on record now saying we don’t think he’ll play another down in the NFL and there’s a good chance he’ll do as much as 18 months in federal prison. Dirty Bird, indeed.

The Celtics? We don’t know what the hell they’re thinking, other than Danny Ainge and Doc Rivers are making a serious power play to save both their jobs and make Boston NBA-relevant again. They could have done this years ago by drafting well, forgoing idiotic trades and resigning, but we’ll take it. 2010 and beyond is going to be rough. We’re just sayin’.

What is The Simpsons Movie going to do this weekend?

2007-07-27T12:00:00.000-07:00

We think it's going to shock everyone and do $60-65 million. Entertainment Weekly says just a shade under $50 million. The Hollywood Reporter is talking more along the lines of a mid-30's opening. Can it do $60 million? We think it can. We'll surely be completely wrong, but that's how it goes.

My baby? Aw, he just got his ass in the way, that's all!

2007-07-27T10:41:00.000-07:00

Sports
Grimsely, you remember him? Things are picking up. [Lion in Oil]
Tom Glavine, the wheels are in motion for his exit. [NY Daily News]
Kip Wells, continuing to amaze - you, us, everyone. [Bugs and Cranks]
Worst. Trade deadline. Ever. Could it be? [SI.com]

Movies
The Dude, uncovered and explained. [The Guardian]
Fast Times sure got old fast, eh? [MSNBC]
12 small roles that rocked the world. [EW]
The first-half box office, broken down. [Match Flick]

TV
Grey's Anatomy was fun at one time? [NJ.com]
More hirings coming soon on The View [LA Times]
Val Kilmer, slumming it in TV land. [Zap 2 It]
What are The Simpsons going to do at the box office this weekend? [Past Deadline]

All Vick, all the time!

2007-07-27T10:37:00.001-07:00

Ugh. Honestly, we can't stand the Michael Vick story. Not the details, not the man, not the constant coverage. But this little nugget is promising. Apparently, the NFL is making it so you can't purchase a Michael Vick jersey anymore - at all. Donebar. Pretty intensive step, wouldn't you say? We would. We like it, though. That Goodell has a set on him.

In case you weren't aware...

2007-07-27T10:09:00.000-07:00

Comic-Con is this weekend. Here's where you can find all the dirt. And in case you're thinking of popping in at the last minute, here's what you can expect to see:

The top 25 college football programs of the past decade

2007-07-27T09:45:00.000-07:00

ESPN, list-o-philes that they are, has compiled a list of the 25 greatest college football programs of the past decade. Sucks for Nebraska. All that Tommy Frazier joy goes unrewarded. Even the University of Illinois' trip to the Sugar Bowl - where they were dismantled - at the tip of the millenium couldn't get them into the first three quadrants. But we believe in the Zookster. He recruits like no coach in recent history at THE University of Illinois has, and he has Juice Williams - Juice! - running his offense.

So take a look at this list and let us know what you think. Living in Santa Monica, we're a bit closed off from the USC fervor that's already beginning in So Cal, but it won't be long until it swallows us, too. They're No. 1, by the way, but you already knew that.

The Colts finallly get a bit of good news

2007-07-26T12:10:00.000-07:00

In the wake of Glenngate, where seemingly every media pundit or Colts message board troll has declared Indianapolis' 2007 season over before it begins, we find a nice piece of news. Anthony Gonzalez, the Colts first-round draft pick and the Ohio State Buckeyes best receiver (yeah, we said it), is set to sign a five-year contract just in time for training camp. Happy day. Are we worried about teams lining up speed- and bull-rushers opposite a rookie or second-year left tackle? We don't feel great about it. Does having two new starters in the secondary make us uneasy? We'd be lying if we said it didn't. But everything's going to be alright.

We still have Manning, Harrison, Wayne, Addai, Clark and Saturday as the core pieces of our offense. And with both Freeney and Sanders at full strength, our defense should be much improved this season (really, there's not much room for a backslide). Training camp starts in three days. We're ready. The road to a repeat is paved with broken glass and pot holes; time to take that first step. And just in case you're not excited about the dimension Gonzalez brings to the Colt offense:

The coolest thing we've seen in some time

2007-07-26T11:58:00.000-07:00

We're not sure how long it took ESPN to put it together, but their Fantasy Football Hall of Fame is pretty fantastic. The site's load time is somewhat plodding, and it's headshot click formula can be frustrating when you end up bringing up Brandon Stokley's profile when you wanted Robbie Gould's, but other than that we have no complaints. Brilliant idea, solid execution, sounds like something anyone other than ESPN would have come up with. We just want to know which member of team Swollen Rexicles is going to be sworn in after this season.

Jayhawk fans, meet your starting QB

2007-07-26T11:35:00.000-07:00

Sports
The Tour de France is done, bitches. [ESPN]
Tony La Russa hates us, and he hates you. [Enjoy the Enjoyment]
Ugh, Cubs fans think they're winning the World Series. [Gheorghe the Blog]
The scariest QB this side of Michael Vick. [LJ World]

Movies
The argument over Sienna Miller hits its apex. [The Frenzy on the Wall]
Holy crap, Eternal Sunshine is actually on the way! [Wired]
A countdown of the best movie shoot-outs. [Twitch Guru]
Is The Simpsons Movie any good? [Rotten Tomatoes]

TV
The Isiah Washington saga becomes a network civil war. [Past Deadline]
Here's another way to land yourself a pilot deal. [Broadcasting Cable]
Do we really need a Heroes video game? [H-Wood Reporter]
ABC never really liked Traveler anyway, fuckers. [Post-Gazette]

Your (bi? tri?) monthly Lost update

2007-07-26T11:03:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since we've had ourselves a nice, long Lost discussion, especially considering how many questions that fantastic season finale raised. But the recent news that Michael (played by Harold Perreinus) will rejoin the cast next season has us scratching our heads. Does that mean Walt will be back, too? How will they handle his aging if forced to shoot him from some angle other than directly below? Will the show be set in the future? Will we now see flash forwards instead of flashbacks? We're leaning toward the latter theory, but we're not completely sure.

What does everyone else think? We're trying not to devote too much thought to it because the next season is so far off...but we can't help it.

Strange, but true facts about Sportscenter anchors

2007-07-26T10:54:00.000-07:00

You've probably already seen the Sportscenter parody below, but thanks to Popjocks, here are a few tidbits about the show's anchors you might not have been privy to. Our favorite? That Neil Everett's last name is actually Morfitt. Since when has being nicknamed Little Miss Morfitt ever ruined a career?

Barry Bonds will punch you in the face (hypothetically speaking)

2007-07-26T10:30:00.000-07:00

Bob Costas is the gold standard in sports journalism. The guy has so many Emmys he doesn't know what to do with them, a fact that haunts Dan Patrick daily. We caught his latest installment of Costas Now the other night and were much impressed by the way he handled himself in interviews with one of the BALCO chemists, Bud Selig, Curt Schilling, and a roundtable including Gary Carter, Ozzie Smith, and Chris Rock, a.k.a. the "angry black man who thinks Barry Bonds is just fine."

Well, it seems Bonds has taken exception to Costas' tactics and the information he presented, which included the Champaign, Ill.-based chemist saying he's certain Bonds was using steroids. In fact, you might say Bonds has gone as far as threatening Costas, even if you have to read between the lines to come to that conclusion.

Bonds called Costas, "a little, midget man who absolutely knows jack [bleep] about baseball. Never played the game before. You can tell Bob Costas what I called him.

"I can't wait to see him face to face someday."

We're reading between the lines, and it says here that Barry Bonds wants to clothesline Bob Costas. Unfortunately, his knees won't allow him to bend down far enough.

Larry, Larry, things are gettin' hairy

2007-07-25T14:20:00.001-07:00

Not that Larry Johnson needed any more problems on his plate - what with the whole no long-term contract, the consistent pounding, the impending injury - but now he has an old friend to contend with. Priest Holmes, former holder of the NFL single-season rushing TD record, is reporting to training camp with the Kansas City Chiefs. Now, we're slow on the uptake, but if Johnson holds out as expected, does that make Holmes No. 1 on the depth chart?

Why do you mock the UT, EA?

2007-07-25T11:21:00.000-07:00

Sports
Is Peter King a little bit racist? [Nation of Islam]
Was Tedy Bruschi ever really dead? [The Lefty]
That Lee Jennings guy? Not a Longhorn. [Burnt Orange Nation]
More NCAA 2008 anger - anger! [The Big T]

Movies
What makes a good movie robot, anyway? [London Times]
Um...what has Ray Winstone been on? [The Guardian]
Ain't no party like a big screen party...[Empire]
How good can a plot twist possibly be? [Salty Stix]

TV
These TV personalities are much, much richer than you. [Yahoo!]
Spay & neuter is a go. [ET Online]
Comic-con ain't just about the ink anymore. [Variety]
Big Love, finally getting some recognition. [NY Post]

Snap Judgement: FX's Damages

2007-07-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

Summer TV sucks, there's no denying it or getting around it. When once-great, now merely mediocre fare like Entourage and Rescue Me are weekly viewing highlights, there's a dearth of quality TV to be had. Imagine our surprise, then, when last night we tuned into FX's latest summer series, the Glenn Close legal drama Damages.

It's pretty great. Nowhere near The Wire, Friday Night Lights or Lost, of course, but good enough to stand next to The Shield as one of the FX network's shining lights. Glenn Close is tremendous as a cement-hard attorney bent on destroying all who oppose her, even her subordinates. Rose Byrne, she of the huge talent but underwhelming CV, is perfectly cast as the show's moral compass. And Ted Danson? Well, who knew he could be so menacing with his white hair and suspiciously smooth forehead.

Damages plays a little too loosely with time and thinks said timeline bending is a little more clever than it really is, but who cares? It's late-July and there's a decent TV show to be watched.

"I'm not a piece of meat - stimulate my brain!"

2007-07-25T10:16:00.000-07:00

Maybe you're a Colts fan, and feeling down about the loss of a franchise left tackle. Maybe you're a Cardinals fan, and you're gradually coming to the realization this season isn't one for the ages. Or, in our case, you're both and need a reason to feel good about surfing the net for sports stories in the morning. This is that reason.

Hi-ho Silver, away!

2007-07-25T10:00:00.000-07:00

Just. Could. Not. Resist. Cheesy. Headline.

Anywho, thanks to The Big Lead for providing us with a wonderful story on this slow Wednesday where there's nothing but recycled stories floating around in the ether of the Interwebs. Sports Illustrated senior writer Michael Silver is fleeing the former bastion of long-form sports reporting...for Yahoo! Sports. That's right, one of the biggest names at the most influential sports magazine in the free world is giving up his gig to work for a Web site with an exclamation point in its name. Only in the Internet age could this happen. Click on over to TBL for further details. As always, he has it covered a lot better than us.

At least these means we'll no longer have to hear about how Cal-Berkeley is the center of the universe. Right?

Well, shit...

2007-07-24T17:27:00.000-07:00

Tarik Glenn has made it official - he's done. We'll wait until around week three of the regular season until we close the book on him for good, but it looks like he's really hanging it up. Now we'll see what Charlie Johnson and Tony Ugoh are made of. This is a big blow, no question. The sky isn't falling, but repeating just got a whole lot tougher.

Our favorite line from the thrown together press release:

And he said he realized the timing – five days before the Colts are scheduled to report to 2007 Training Camp – “wasn’t the greatest.”

No shit.

New Yorker be angry cuz you be disrespectin' the ladies

2007-07-24T13:24:00.000-07:00

In all seriousness, this essay by film critic David Denby in the most recent edition of The New Yorker is brilliantly written (per usual), but it doesn't really seem like he understands the appeal of the films he's shredding. Judd Apatow, with films like Knocked Up, is making chick flicks. They're female empowerment films, even if they don't really feel or look like it. Their protagonists may be shlubby and lazy with no prospects for the future, but they don't actually get the girl until they turn their lives around. It makes sense, doesn't it? Thought so.

Welcome to Judgement Week

2007-07-24T12:02:00.000-07:00

In about five hours, the St. Louis Cardinals season could come to an end. Many fans, myself "somewhat" included, think this has already happened. The loss of staff ace Chris Carpenter to Tommy John surgery crippled the Cards' hopes of a miracle second-half comeback. Without Carpenter, and with Mark Mulder still rehabbing, the Cards de facto ace is Adam Wainwright. Look, Wainwright is a big talent with a bright future, but he's not an ace. And he's not someone you'll see headlining a playoff rotation.

At 8:05 EST tonight, the Cubs will roll into St. Louis, plop Carlos Zambrano's round ass on the mound, and attempt to drive a dagger through the hearts of Cardinal fans everywhere. This will hurt. It will hurt not only because it's always painful to lose to the Cubs, but because it's excruciating to lose to the Cubs as you essentially hand them the division lead. Make no mistake, if the Cubs sweep the Cardinals, it will be a referendum on both teams' seasons. The Cards, last October notwithstanding, have been a .500 team for the past calendar year. The Cubs, atrocious last year, have added hitting, pitching, speed and a steady hand in the dugout.

This is Judgement Week: a six-game homestand against the Cubs and Brewers. By late Sunday, the Cardinals will either be dead and dirt-filled or clinging to life. We're hoping for the latter. After all, training camp doesn't even start until Sunday.

If you ever see this woman behind the wheel...

2007-07-24T11:07:00.000-07:00

...run the other way as fast as you can.

Big Bird died for your sins

2007-07-24T10:41:00.000-07:00

Sports
Remember that story about that LA Times columnist who had a sex change? He/she's back. [Sports by Brooks]
Just another reason those criticisms of Peyton Manning are unfounded. [18 to 88]
A brilliant way to rid yourself of annoying ESPN Motion videos. [Deadspin]
Now, we don't want to condone this, but it's the NFL, kid! [Yahoo! Sports]

Movies
If an actor were a video game character, who would they be? [Maxim]
When movies go to Washingon, D.C., look out 'cuz there be talkin'. [WA Post]
A case for not making James Bond a funny guy. [The Guardian]
Zodiac was a great movie, but what's with its DVD treatment? [Village Voice]

TV
It's official: Drew Carey's doing TPIR. [USA Today]
HBO is signing on for another season of Big Love. [Variety]
The Gilmore Girls creator hit the bottle instead of her old show's finale. [NJ.com]
Sesame Street is getting the star treatment for its Christmas specia. [H-Wood Reporter]

The Darjeeling Limited, Wes Anderson's plot to destroy the world

2007-07-24T10:34:00.000-07:00

If you have even a remote interest in director Wes Anderson's work - Bottle Rocket, Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums, etc. - you've probably been anticipating the release of The Darjeeling Limited for some time now. It has all the hallmarks of an Anderson film: Owen Wilson, Jason Schwartzman, a script by Anderson and one of the movie's stars, and the usual quirky humor. But is it just us, or does it feel like this time Anderson is driving over the same canvas as before? Go here and judge for yourself.

In celebration of Aaron Harang

2007-07-24T10:14:00.000-07:00

Not just because he's on our fantasy baseball team - but also because he's 10-2 with 138 strikeouts - we present to you this horrible YouTube capture of a Harang no hitter on a video game. Why someone would capture this, we don't know. But we do know that Harang pitched 10 innings of 1-run, 10-strikeout baseball last night. That's impressive, even more so when you consider he pitches for the worst team in the NL. How he's 10-2 is beyond me. Enjoy.

Tarik Glenn, and other instances of bad timing

2007-07-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

We must apologize for our absence yesterday, we were unexpectedly pulled away from the Intertron for a day-long work conference. You know how these things go. Hey, we'd to quit our job love and blog full time, but only the lucky ones are fortunate enough to do that. Besides, we made almost $10 in Google AdSense this past week. We treated ourselves to Subway.

Now then - the task at hand. We know most of the sports world is caught up in the Vick dogfighting scandal (and those who aren't are mesmerized by the NBA referee betting scandal), but there's a more pressing issue at hand: who's going to protect Peyton Manning's blind side? As most of you already know, Tarik Glenn is - at the very least - considering retirement. Glenn is one of the best left tackles in pro football and is, it can be argued, coming off his finest season. Why would he retire? Glenn is not really motivated by money, he's had weight issues is the past, the Colts drafted his likely replacement this past April. We're not saying he doesn't have his reasons.

But he simply must not do this. The Colts defensive losses through free agency, widely hailed as disastrous by the media, have been heavily exaggerated, but the loss of a premier left tackle cannot be. Left tackle is the second-most important position on the offensive side of the ball. It's not a coincidence that Glenn has only missed six games in the Manning era. His successor, whether that be second-year tackle Charlie Johnson or second-round pick Tony Ugoh, will likely have a learning curve. That means sacks - many sacks. Manning has the quickest release of any QB in the NFL, along with an uncanny sense for pressure around him, but even he is susceptible to the blind side rush.

Please, Tarik, come back for one more year. The Colts need you. We need you. Peyton needs you. Until we find out for certain, we'll leave you with this hopeful piece of information, courtesy of ESPN's John Clayton:

Don't count out Tarik Glenn for the 2007 season yet. Glenn is supposed to return from Mexico in the next 24 hours to meet with Tony Dungy, Bill Polian and the Colts organization. While Glenn, perhaps the best left tackle in franchise history, is thinking about retiring, the Colts want him to take time to think about whether or not that is the right decision.

It's a sad, sad sports world out there

2007-07-23T10:20:00.000-07:00

Michael Vick owns the airwaves, the NBA is going the way of the shitter, and the Colts may lose one of their offensive cornerstones. That and we had to get several stitches over the weekend because we're idiots. You'll have to excuse if we're not feeling very chipper. We plan to weigh in on all these issues soon enough, trust us. It just might be a little bit.

But really, just how awesome is Chris Young?

2007-07-20T11:55:00.000-07:00

Lost in all the hyperbole and column inches spent on Brad Penny and Jake Peavy thus far is the fantastic season Chris Young has quietly been putting together for the San Diego Padres. Mercifully selected to the NL All-Star Team via online balloting, Young is now 9-3 on the season with a microscopic 1.85 ERA after pitching seven shutout innings against the NL's most potent lineup last night.

Against the Phillies, he allowed two hits, three walks (all to Ryan Howard) and struck out six, while no runners landed past second base. This ex-Princeton basketball standout is our pick for the best pitcher in baseball this season. Sure, Santana will probably pass him prior to October, but we feel some attention is warranted. He gets no run support (he's won five 1-0 games this season) and he plays on the West Coast, so he's facing an uphill climb in the Cy Young voting. But we'll remember.

Another plug for The Hottest State

2007-07-20T11:46:00.001-07:00

Yeah, we'll admit we want to see it, even if the book isn't a critical favorite and it seems like Ethan Hawke might be biting off more than he can chew. But perhaps more intriguing to us than the film itself, is its soundtrack, now streaming on Myspace. We suggest you start with the Bright Eyes contribution; it's fantastic, as most of his stuff usually is.

Playoffs, you kiddin me?

2007-07-20T10:43:00.000-07:00

Sports
Tommy Frazier rocks the mic like no other. [Mac G's World]
Meet Ichiro, the most forward-thinking athlete alive. [Biz of Baseball]
Fat athletes can dominate, too. [The Bench Warmer]
This judge will throw the book at Mike Vick. [A-JC]

Movies
Danny Boyle loves the Sunshine. [Wired]
Liam Neeson discusses a movie that sank without a trace. [London Times]
Chuck and Larry or Hairspray, decisions, decisions. [Box Office Mojo]
Speaking of Hairspray, its director's not a total newbie...[Spout]

TV
We're not the only ones upset about the Emmy noms. [Translucent Fish]
Drew Carey may get this Price is Right gig just yet. [Variety]
CBS has a quick fix-it option for those overtime NFL games. [Miami Herald]
Somehow, Drive scored an Emmy nod, but not The Wire. [Variety]

Meet...the Green Hornet

2007-07-20T10:38:00.000-07:00

We're not fooling. Seth Rogen, who recently was believed to be only in negotiations to script a feature-film version of celebrated comic hero the Green Hornet, is also prepping to play the masked crusader. Fat guy in a tight-ass suit, fat guy in a tight-ass suit. Sounds like fun to us.

Cardinal fans, it's time to pack it in

2007-07-20T09:47:00.000-07:00

Well, we knew this was coming: Chris Carpenter, he of the enigmatic elbow, is done for the 2007 - and possibly 2008 - season. Our playoff hopes now rest on the arms of Mark Mulder, Adam Wainwright, Braden Looper, Mike Maroth, and either Kip Wells or Anthony Reyes. Collective ERA? We'd have to crunch some numbers to be certain, but it's somewhere in the neighborhood of 5.00. It's over, guys. Shut down Rolen, get that shoulder fixed. See what prospects are there that can be dealt (it's a dry cupboard) and find at least two respectable starters. Ponder the thought of bringing Rick Ankiel up this September to get his major league batting feet wet. There's no alternative now. We're almost 10 games out, August is right around the corner and our savior isn't coming.

It pains us to write this, but probably not as much as it pains Deadspin to have posted the above photo this morning.

Vick may be urged to take leave of absence

2007-07-20T07:41:00.000-07:00

Morning. We're scratching our eyes and watching First Take and intrepid reporter Chris Mortensen is reporting that the NFL and Atlanta Falcons might urge Michael Vick to take a leave of absence. Thank Christ. This really seems like the best option for all parties at this point in time. Does it further drive the stake through the Falcons playoff hopes? Definitely, but there's going to be a could hanging over them whether Vick's under center this season or not. More on this later as it develops.

Oh, and those PETA people picketing outside the NFL offices are hard to the core.

Ethan Hawke will soon control your universe

2007-07-19T14:05:00.000-07:00

Anyone remember that 1997 debut novel by some actor that got middling reviews and didn't really sell too many copies? Well, said actor has written and directed a feature based on that novel, about a Texan actor who moves to Manhattan and enters into a doomed relationship with a singer/songwriter. Here's the trailer:

Nine sure signs this year's Emmys are doomed

2007-07-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

In all honesty, we could probably extend this list to 20 or 30 if we were really picky. We're not, so we'll keep it to a thoroughly uneven nine.

1.) The Wire being shut out in the Best Drama category
- As we've noted, along with many media outlets, this is the finest TV show ever created. From the byzantine plots and multi-layered characters to the juggling of cops, crooks, teachers and politicians, there's never a false note. The Wire's upcoming fifth season will also be its last. Here's hoping Emmy is waiting for a Lord of the Rings-type coronation.

2.) Friday Night Lights receiving no acting nominations
- Kyle Chandler and Connie Britton are reinventing the husband and wife wheel of American television, but they take a backseat to Emmy mainstays like James Spader and Felicity Huffman. Why, we have no idea.

3.) Lost continues its fall from grace with Emmy voters
- After taking home the award for Best Drama in 2005 (after its first season), the ABC drama has fallen on hard times in awards circles. Maybe its the lack of ratings or the rise of other serial mysteries (Heroes), but the last ten episodes of Lost this season were better than anything else on network television.

4.) Two and a Half Men resumes its reign of terror
- So this is where the Best Comedy nomination reserved for HBO's brilliant Extras went, eh? Well done.

5.) Charlie Sheen
- No words.

6.) Big Love doesn't exist
- Not only is this controversial polygamy drama operating on a higher plane than that of any network drama save Lost, it's not a stretch to say that, while not as tantalizing, it was more consistent than The Sopranos. Still, nothing.

7.) John Krasinski, where are you?
- Sure, Steve Carell is the engine that drives The Office and lone "name" in the show's cast, but Krasinski's subtlety and understatment holds everything together and rivals Martin Freeman's finest work on the British version.

8.) Does anyone watch Boston Legal?
- We don't want to disparage the show too viciously, because we've never seen a full episode, but that's an awful lot of nominations for a program that generates little-to-no buzz? It doesn't even have its own TV Watch!

9.) Grey's Anatomy
- Even the show's fans say this wasn't the show's best work, but it still gets a truckload of nominations. Unbelievable.

A few quick comments as our blood boils

2007-07-19T10:47:00.000-07:00

Don't worry, our big "Fuck you Emmy" post is forthcoming, but we're using some casual surfing to calm down in the meantime. Here's what we've learned:

There's going to be a new Ace Ventura movie - without Jim Carrey.
- What an absolutely horrid idea. Did no one learn anything from Son of the Mask? It's going to star John Flitter, some kid from License to Wed (a movie no one saw) and Nancy Drew (ditto). At least he won't have to worry about acting in front of a bigger audience.

A fantastic list of the 50 greatest comic book deaths has hit the Web.
- Superman is No. 1, but we all knew that already. And how could it not be? We waited with dripping palms for the final installment of the Doomsday saga to hit stores, even though we knew it was a shot-in-the-arm marketing gimmick. It worked on us, we followed Kal-El's entire weird trip back through alternate universes, costumes and comics. And who doesn't love the 'ol "the fans voted to snuff out Robin" story?

Mike Vick has revealed his motivation for the whole dog fighting thing.
- Or maybe a sports blog has just satirically taken a stab at it. It's a good read, either way.

The Dark Knight script is online - a review, at least.
- There's nary a spoiler, and really no other pertinent information other than, apparently, it rocks. We weren't nearly as high on Batman Begins as everyone else (we couldn't stand Bale's lowered voice as Batman, and some of the dialogue was just painful, plus there was Katie Holmes), but the Joker's our favorite villian of all time. We'll watch that shit.

The NY Times has jumped the embargo train and published a review of the new Harry Potter.
- It looks like he lives. We say looks like because we've never read a Harry Potter book and aren't going to take the time to read the entire review. But we think it says he lives.

Bearskin rugs are the best we can do

2007-07-19T10:22:00.000-07:00

Sports
You've probably already read this, but Bill Simmons' column is online. [Page 2]
The Cubs are not afraid to make a move. [Fox Sports]
Petros Papadakis as your waiter, does it get any better? [Lion in Oil]
Those Culpepper to the Falcons rumors have started. [Pro Football Talk]

Movies
Detailing the summer movie miracle that is Once. [Variety]
How do Star Wars fans really feel? [JIVE]
An examination of the dickless Hollywood heroes. [NY Observer]
Steve Buscemi ruminates on a Big Lebowski sequel. [MTV]

TV
The best Simpsons celebrity cameos. [London Times]
One of the early anti-Emmy sentiments. [Sepinwall]
James Woods weighs in on the whole Isiah Washington fiasco. [Past Deadline]
Remember that Traveler show? You probably shouldn't bother. [TV Squad]

Your Yovani Gallardo update

2007-07-19T09:53:00.000-07:00

This man-crush of ours on Brewers rookie phenom Yovani Gallardo isn't going away, and neither is he. Just a few weeks ago, when the Brew Crew owned a healthy lead in the NL Central, Ben Sheets was pitching like an ace and Chris Capuano was set to return from the DL, Yovani Gallardo seemed destined for the bullpen.

He was. In fact, he's made three bullpen appearances thus far in the month of July, giving up three earned runs with two walks and eight strikeouts in 9 1/3 innings of work. For the season, he carries a sparkling 2.83 ERA, which is why we follow his every move with such fervor. And now, with all-star Sheets headed to the DL for four-to-six weeks, we'll finally get a long look at the 21-year-old tantalizer. Our prediction? He makes eight starts, goes 4-2 with a 3.30 ERA and strikeout numbers in the low-50's.

He takes the mound in a little over an hour, people. Diamondbacks at the Marlins. MLB.TV. Be there.